Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington studied marriage and found that “unless a couple is able to maintain a high ratio of positive to negative encounters (5:1 or greater), it is likely the marriage will end.”
*The random photo above was taken by my friend Mariam on a walk through Central Park – I did not have my baby Henry with me!
Dr. Gottman explained he could tell which marriages would last and which would not with 90% accuracy explaining: “for every negative expression (a complaint, frown, put-down, expression of anger) there needs to be about five positive ones (smiles, compliments, laughter, expressions of appreciation and gratitude).”
I’d argue this formula applies to all your important relationships, not simply romantic ones. Much like Stephen Covey’s “emotional bank account” concept, in every interaction we can either make a deposit or a withdrawal. While most of us fear making a major withdrawal that can bankrupt an entire relationship, we should be more concerned about the small negative actions, if left unchecked, that can accumulate over time and imperceptibly destroy from within.
In every relationship you value, if you mess up, put the boxing gloves down and start working on what five things you’ll do to remedy it. Quick. Before the boxing bell rings at the end of the round. Ok, I’m stopping with the boxing references now…before I start saying something about floating like a butterfly or stinging like a bee…oops… too late.
